Anorexia.nervosa.It.eats.you.while.you.are.not.part.2.

A while ago i wrote about my struggle with anorexia..I did not end the story, cuz the way my eatingdisorder ended, or got better, was because of another disease.

It was in december 2003 (if i remember it right). There was alot going on in my life at that time. My sister had a hard time, I wont tell you what cuz I think that it is her business if she wants to tell, my mother also had a hard time dealing with a medical condition, and my fathers mother was ill, and in the hospital. I dated a guy I kind of liked..I remember I at that time had problems with my feet. I got an inflammation in on of the tendons in one of my feet. When that got better, the other one got the same problem. I thought it was becuase i ran alot, so that my feet were congested..well, I had kind of right but oh so wrong.

The guy broke up with me and I was kind of sad, I knew it would come to an end, we didn't match. MY grandma got sicker and my dad sad..my mom had recovered and my sister was on her way to recover. I on the other hand was not, my problems had just started!

I remember I was out running and i started to feel something wierd in my foot. It was underneath the left foot under the middle toe..it felt like a needle or something..I didn't think much about it..but then one day my toe got swollen. I went to see a doctor, but she said that it would be ok. In a vcouple of weeks the toe was still swollen..I went to see the doctor again..this time it was a young man..he sent me to get an xray, but it did not show anything so i just waited..Then I went to the doctors AGAIN this time she said it could be a nerve that was clamped..I told her what i should do but she said that I could have surgery at some point, but she did not tell me when..I was so sad..I wanted to run and stuff, but i couldnt.

At tis time my hip had started to hurt also..I couldn't really walk normally, it hurt so much..At some point my dwollen toe became a swollen foot, so I went to the doctor and she smiled and said:"Now it is like a little bun". Then she connected the swollen foot and my hip with another case in my family..she told me to lay down on a bed so that she could examen me..then she told me: you have reumathism.

Reumathism is a disease that makes your body attack your own body so that your joints get inflammated. I had this in the family, and all the stress within my family at this point, plus my eatingdisorder, could have been te reason i got this disease.

Now the hell started. I got strong painkillers from the doctor, cuz i couldn't really walk on my foot. At this time I was taking my driverslicense, and i just hated my drivinginstructor..she was mean, and I, who r, or at least was at that point, unsure of myself had a hard time learning. I can tell u this story later. i REALLY hated her, she was a mean bitch! Well, I paused my driving lessons, so that I could put my energy on becoming healthy again.

I got to she a specialist in this kind of disease, and she helped me. The pain was so bad! When I woke up in the morning it took me 15-20 minutes just to get out of bed, while crying and screaming because of the pain. I couldn't really put down my left foot, cuz it feltl ike knifes, it took forever to put my foot down, and it felt the same when i had to lift the foot from the ground again. My elbow started to hurt to, i couldn't get my arm straight..But I was not te one to complain. I didn't want my parents to drive me to the bus in the mornings so that i could go to school, no, i walked..i dragged my foot after me and well, i looked kind of like Quasimodo.

At one appointment with the specialist, I got a needles stuck into my elbow, a thick one. I didn't think it felöt bad, though she said it would hurt. Out came a yellow substanse, and that was what they needed to know what kind of reumathism I had and what kind of medicine I needed. I got medicine for my disease, and in some months i started to get better. I often got cortisone shots above my toe..I recovered kind of well, even if it was a struggle. At one point i had to go to the hospital and i stayed there fore a couple of days..but i did my homework and such, and i cried..i didn't want to be there..i didn't want to get fat (at the time i weighed 44kg). But after this time, i kind of started to recover from my disease. It took some years (five or 6 maybe) before i could stop eating the medicine, and before i could stop eating cortisone that made me swollen and made me feel sooo fat. It took even longer to really get rid of my obsession with my body. I am not really happy with how i look, but i have accepted it, and i feel happy, and that is all that matters, isn't it?

So, if u read this, and if u r struggeling with some demons of your own, or some disease, please, think positive, even if it's hard! I have learned life is much easier if you try to stay on top, even if you could be on the bottom. A positive mind also helps with the healing process, and that is a fact!

Nowasays i am really positive, I try to see the positive things in everything. Negativity brings you down, even if sometimes u have to be negative to stay positive.

hugs from me! My story continues when i feel like i am in the right mood for sharing.
thanks for listening!

drop.dead.diva.

I just LOVE the series "Drop dead diva"!! It is so girly, and i am a sucker for chick flicks and such..yes I am!

The story is about a young model, named Deb, who got into a car accident and was sent to heaven. While in heaven she wanted to get back to earth so she pressed a return button..She cmae back to heaven allright, but not as herself. She was a blond, young model but now he was a chubby, darkhaired lawyer with an iq of 140! Her name was now Jane. Jane had been in an accident too, a shooting accident, so that's why this happened. At the firm the new Jane works at, Grayson works. Grayson was Debs boyfriend. So now while salwing cases and such, Jane tries to get Grayson to love her again. And so on, lovely!


So, watch it!

So.much.to.do.com.

I have been so busy this week, so I haven't had time to do anything but work (and some partying hih). I started a new job on monday, I love it! It is in a city kind of nearby, 100km isn't that much right? Anyway, I really like to drive, so that is not a problem..not now, but maybe in the winter..well, that is then, this is now!

Tomorrow I should go to work, BUT, i managed to get sick during the weekend..when I woke up this morning I almost coughed my lungs out! GAAH! I went swimming yesterday (first time this year) so maybe that contributed..but I thought that 30 degrees (celcius) in the sun and 27 degrees in the water couldn't make my sick, but apparently it could, damn it!!

So..when I love my job, I don't get to go..f*ck it! but on tuesday I hope to be healthy again! Then I will even start to train:) some bycycleing ftw!


See u later nuts!

I.love.you.phillip.morris!

I just saw that movie, I loved it! It made me wanna be a gay man with high IQ so that I could come up with all that crazy shit! Exciting life, I must say!

The best part is, this movie is based on a true story!! :O



The movie thingie vs. the real thing!!

Anorexia.nervosa.It.eats.you.while.you.are.not.

Anorexia nervosa. It's horrible. Been there, done that.I'm gonna tell you my way into it, and my way out.

It all started in kindergarden..I was teased, I was short and fat and my clothes was not allright..Then it continued in school..I was "the short, ugly and fat chick" in the class. The prettyest and most popular girl of the class (at least according to anyone else) was my friend, but also my bully. Sometimes we were good friends, hang out together, other days she teased me about my clothes or something else, and the other girls listened to her..and the boys too. I remember one time when she was at my place..mom was so angry at her because she had made me cry one or two days before..the friend/bully looked at me like she didn't understand why I had cried..well we were kids, we couldn't understand everything.

I was also friends with the boys, at least some of them..we hung out together and had fun..other days they called me mean things, saying I was fat and ugly..sometimes they even followed me home, teasing me all the way..I especcially remember one time when they told me to lay down on the ground, they wanted to throw snowballs or appels on me..don't remember what..dont remember the time of the year..I just remember that..and it was really nearby where I lived so insted of doing as they said, I ran home..I may have cried to..don't remember..But i do remember that I was afraid to go home from school..there was one boy though, who defended me..he was also bullied..he have had a hard life and have had to deal with alot..I am thankful to him. If he reads this he knows who he is.

Anyway..when I started 7th grade I got depressed..my freinds didn't understand why (at that time i had 3 close friends, we did almost everything together..I will tell u about that in another post)and one ofthem started to say eman things about me..I kind of lost them..All i did was sleep, lying on the sofa..thinking thinking thinking..I have never told anyone what made me so depressed..but I might write it here, get it out, in another post. Anyway, After a while it all calmed down..I even had some boyfriends..it didn't last long but there was some guys that started to notice me for my inside..one of them I am thankful for, even if he broke my heart (tell u that later too). In 9th grade I started to ride the bike, everyday..alot! I lost some weight and felt good! i got compliments and I started to like me..a bit, for a little while.

Then i started a new scool, in finland it is called gymnasium, don't know the english name for it, but anyway..I was still biking alot, but I started running too, and I loved it! I didnt loose weight though and started to feel fat..it was muscles underneat my fat that started to grow, so i got bigger and i hated it! then i stopped eating candy..after a while i ate less, or I ate alot of food, but mostly vegetables, so i didn't get that much energy from it, which i needed due to my daily excercise..and i did excercise alot..then it got really out of hand..i started to get up really early in hte mornings, around 5 am and did some walking ebfore i ate a really healthy breakfust..an apple and a slice of ryebread. Every time i hade some time to myself, i walked, ran or something like that. In school we had times when we had an hour or so befor next class, and I went out walking, not spending time studying or being with my classmates like everyone else..

I was really unhappy..i cried everyday about my body..it was so thin, but when I looked myself in the mirror, all i could see was this fat ugly chick that no one would ever want! I had trouble sleeping..I lost weight..at one point i weighed 40,7 kilograms..I had weighed around 52 before. Well, It was not that much weightloss..I am 152,2 centimeters tall so it wasn't that much, but I was sick!

I clearly remember one time when i was shopping with my best friend Disa..I tried on clothes, but nothing suited me, I was too thin! The smallest size XS was too big, it just fell of..but when i ran to the bus, crying, i was not crying about that, i was crying because I was so fat and ugly! When i got home i think a made some cupcakes..i did that alot! but i didn't eat them..maybe tasted, just a little bit.

It was kind of hard dealing with this in a small town as the one i was living in..everyone knew everybody and everybody knew my problem. It was hard! I'm gonna stop here, cuz my battle with anorexia ended when another (or many) problems came into my life.

The one thing I can say is that i was lucky..I got trough it! I am now at a healty weight (even if it could be a bit lower) and I kind of like what I see when i look in the mirror..i am not as fat and ugly as i thought.





At an ABI-ball in school. (When u r about to graduate u r called ABI or abiturient. This was not mine, i graduated the year after).





My friend Linda and I at a club called Marilyn or Lyni. We had a great time :)




Me and one of my first real friends, Anton, had a blast at club Marilyn :)


That was me then, this is me now!







..or this was actually a couple of months ago, but you get the picture ;)