It all started in kindergarden..I was teased, I was short and fat and my clothes was not allright..Then it continued in school..I was "the short, ugly and fat chick" in the class. The prettyest and most popular girl of the class (at least according to anyone else) was my friend, but also my bully. Sometimes we were good friends, hang out together, other days she teased me about my clothes or something else, and the other girls listened to her..and the boys too. I remember one time when she was at my place..mom was so angry at her because she had made me cry one or two days before..the friend/bully looked at me like she didn't understand why I had cried..well we were kids, we couldn't understand everything.
I was also friends with the boys, at least some of them..we hung out together and had fun..other days they called me mean things, saying I was fat and ugly..sometimes they even followed me home, teasing me all the way..I especcially remember one time when they told me to lay down on the ground, they wanted to throw snowballs or appels on me..don't remember what..dont remember the time of the year..I just remember that..and it was really nearby where I lived so insted of doing as they said, I ran home..I may have cried to..don't remember..But i do remember that I was afraid to go home from school..there was one boy though, who defended me..he was also bullied..he have had a hard life and have had to deal with alot..I am thankful to him. If he reads this he knows who he is.
Anyway..when I started 7th grade I got depressed..my freinds didn't understand why (at that time i had 3 close friends, we did almost everything together..I will tell u about that in another post)and one ofthem started to say eman things about me..I kind of lost them..All i did was sleep, lying on the sofa..thinking thinking thinking..I have never told anyone what made me so depressed..but I might write it here, get it out, in another post. Anyway, After a while it all calmed down..I even had some boyfriends..it didn't last long but there was some guys that started to notice me for my inside..one of them I am thankful for, even if he broke my heart (tell u that later too). In 9th grade I started to ride the bike, everyday..alot! I lost some weight and felt good! i got compliments and I started to like me..a bit, for a little while.
Then i started a new scool, in finland it is called gymnasium, don't know the english name for it, but anyway..I was still biking alot, but I started running too, and I loved it! I didnt loose weight though and started to feel fat..it was muscles underneat my fat that started to grow, so i got bigger and i hated it! then i stopped eating candy..after a while i ate less, or I ate alot of food, but mostly vegetables, so i didn't get that much energy from it, which i needed due to my daily excercise..and i did excercise alot..then it got really out of hand..i started to get up really early in hte mornings, around 5 am and did some walking ebfore i ate a really healthy breakfust..an apple and a slice of ryebread. Every time i hade some time to myself, i walked, ran or something like that. In school we had times when we had an hour or so befor next class, and I went out walking, not spending time studying or being with my classmates like everyone else..
I was really unhappy..i cried everyday about my body..it was so thin, but when I looked myself in the mirror, all i could see was this fat ugly chick that no one would ever want! I had trouble sleeping..I lost weight..at one point i weighed 40,7 kilograms..I had weighed around 52 before. Well, It was not that much weightloss..I am 152,2 centimeters tall so it wasn't that much, but I was sick!
I clearly remember one time when i was shopping with my best friend Disa..I tried on clothes, but nothing suited me, I was too thin! The smallest size XS was too big, it just fell of..but when i ran to the bus, crying, i was not crying about that, i was crying because I was so fat and ugly! When i got home i think a made some cupcakes..i did that alot! but i didn't eat them..maybe tasted, just a little bit.
It was kind of hard dealing with this in a small town as the one i was living in..everyone knew everybody and everybody knew my problem. It was hard! I'm gonna stop here, cuz my battle with anorexia ended when another (or many) problems came into my life.
The one thing I can say is that i was lucky..I got trough it! I am now at a healty weight (even if it could be a bit lower) and I kind of like what I see when i look in the mirror..i am not as fat and ugly as i thought.
At an ABI-ball in school. (When u r about to graduate u r called ABI or abiturient. This was not mine, i graduated the year after).
My friend Linda and I at a club called Marilyn or Lyni. We had a great time :)
Me and one of my first real friends, Anton, had a blast at club Marilyn :)
That was me then, this is me now!
..or this was actually a couple of months ago, but you get the picture ;)
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